Remembering

I remember when I fell in love and thinking that I had to tell her.
I remember the nerves and the worry that she wouldn’t feel the same way.
I remember meeting at Timmies on lunch and right after work and telling her to give us a chance.
I remember anxiously awaiting a text, or the excitement when she sent me an email.
I remember our phone calls when we could not be together.
I remember our first kiss and our unbridled joy.
I remember her taking me away for a weekend.
I remember the easy laughter and singing out loud together with not a care in the world.
I remember the anticipation of seeing her and then looking into her eyes and feeling complete.
I remember when I decided to ask her to marry me and knowing how I would do it.
I remember her walking down the aisle, and my heart being ready to burst.
I remember my tears of joy as I said, “I do”.
I remember the births of our kids and thinking that I could not love her more.
I remember our fights and not understanding my own reactions.
I remember not being able to answer her questions and her frustration.
I remember her tears and my inability to express myself.
I remember not knowing how to tell her the way she was making me feel.
I remember feeling like she didn’t want to hear me.
I remember watching her with our children and feeling happy.
I remember her yelling at me. I remember her anger.
I remember her tone and her demands.
I remember her telling me to sleep in a separate room.
I remember wondering what to do, how to make her happy.
I remember her reaction to the last Christmas gift I gave her.
I remember feeling her detachment.
I remember looking at her picture at work and wondering what was happening to us.
I remember not understanding what was happening to me.
I remember waking up to find she’d left for the day with the kids, full of disgust.
I remember trying, and failing all too often on all too many things.
I remember her ultimatum.  I remember promising to do all I could.
I remember realizing how sick I was and worrying she’d leave me.
I remember the phone call. I remember her words.
I remember my pain and her determination.
I remember my humiliation. I remember my fall.
I remember feeling safe because she was with me.
I remember looking forward to her visit.
I remember falling apart when she refused to come.
I remember not knowing if she cared.
I remember hoping she did.
I remember being excited to start resolving things.
I remember being devastated when she cancelled.
I remember thinking things would get gradually better
I remember not being able to handle her moving out
I remember lying in bed, hearing her laugh
I remember waking up to hear the sound of nothing.
I remember thinking the house was as empty as I felt.
I remember the anger, but not always what for,
I remember knowing I had to get better.
I remember going back to work, and worrying about falling back
I remember not having her there to lean on.
I remember meeting her emotional wall.
I remember begging for her to express something
I remember wondering where the woman I loved was
I remember wondering if that wall would ever come down
I remember the bitterness, the mistrust.
I remember wanting her to hear me
I remember fearing she never would
I remember listening to songs that reminded me of her
I remember my dreams of us dating again, recapturing our love
I remember the sadness of waking to find it wasn’t real
I remember her telling me it was over.
I don’t want to remember any more.
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